The Way I am……

It is important to accept who I am- flaws and all. This means there will never be that time when anything you tell me about myself (based on what tou think you knoq about me) surprises or offends me. Trust me; you do not know nearly enough about my heart and its hopes and intentions; the way I have come to (which I found is a daily discovery process). You have not the slightest clue (the same way I have none about you) about what I have been through, what struggles I have overcome, what pretty precarious situations I have managed to come out with little scathing; or even what lengths I would have gone to in the past (and what lengths I am capable of going if given incentive to!). You have no idea what I am capable of; as I myself am learning this daily, full discovery of which I definitely will not share.

I outlined the disparity between self knowledge and others’ perceptions above; to cementize my notion, that no one has the right to judge me (or anyone else) or make pronouncements over my life; especially when they have never set out to know me. How can you label me, speak your pronouncements on my future, when you have never lived a day inside my world, or loved for a day like I love, using my heart, my thoughts?

If I say I dislike someone and what they represent; more often than not, it would have been that person in question and what they represent would have imposed/ grated on me and what I represent. I may even say I hate persons, and  believe me I am convinced I do; where these people do not stand a chance of redemption if it is left solely up to me (and I am sure there exists some who share same sentiments towards me). Am I imposing on these people? (yes, I know they exist and who they are!) No. 

The way I am can be vengeful at times; which lends itself to not the sadistical side of me that likes to inflict pain, but the intellectual side that argues that experience is an integral part of learning and knowledge. Any information, concept taught this way would certainly have longer lasting impact on one’s consciousness. This impacts how one’s brain (primitive organ that it is), guides us to act and react. Simply put, I am no longer the biggest fan of artificial intelligence or intelligence abstractly learnt. The human factor from that type id intelligence is missing; and unless, one intends to deal primarily with robots, I think we all need a crash course in how to approach and respond to put fellow men, who are no less not more than we be. The vengeful brute in me dictates that if someone knowingly inflicts pain in any way on me, naturally a part of me is in torturous unrest until I can create a likewise experience for that person. Not just to get even, but I desperately want this person to see how possibly painful their actions were to me (I want them to truknget it). Only so can I regrettably accept any apologies or the like, and only so can I move on to make way for growth between myself and that person (whoever it is). And I would have gone to pathetic lengths in the past to achieve this, not to quench my thirst for blood (only) but to remind that person, that anything they are fearful of or passionate about, may not be the same for me; but we both can feel dear,hurt and have passion. Do we all currently think so? Obviously not (#rolls-eyes)

It is simple, I am an unfinished project, continuously working on me to be better versions of me. Sounds easier said that done, when half the time I feel as though I have the reigns and control over every circumstance in my life only to receive eye-opening curveballs. Sometimes too, my respond is not the best or even most desirable, and even this I have to learn to accept and move past; otherwise I would join the long line of #suitors that already hate me. I am too jealous for that and I do not fancy competition, real or perceived.

Months elapsed since my last post, and you’re probably wondering: this is what she comes with? Seriously? (and here I go trying to pretend I know my readers…)

Yes. Seriously.

“Cause I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn’t, then why would you say I am?”                    – Eminem

“What I portray is not enough for you to conclusively say you know all, or even enough, about me. What you see is only the part of the story I wish to share, so what you see is true; but you don’t have the last day over me.”                                                     – Ci’laene

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Author: cilaene21

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ― Toni Morrison

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