Seeing Black . ..

The adage ‘seeing red’ signifies one becoming angry, incensed even, at any unjust, unfair etc, done to them. In this day and age, much makes me see black. It has surpassed the red mark and gone to the stygian and murky depths of no semblance of light, or even reason, when it comes to being wronged, taken advantage of and even abused, just because one feels they are above reproach.

It is my experience, that people just decide, from positions of authority, hierarchy, status; that they are justified in their persecutions of others and others’ actions. Justified to always berating on you, at every wrong move, always seeming to have the solution, but only, after you have tried and erred. Why didn’t they present this bright idea whilst in trial? They may have wanted to see you fail, so they have more things to rake you over the coals for. After all, they have all the means to do so, whilst they remain irreproachable. Their words change with the tides of personal and professional favour, so you do not know which direction to take;leaving your state of reality to bring one where you always seem to have to tip-toe on eggshells. They are justified in wanting to force their opinions down your throat whilst not being able to consider the simplest suggestion.

I no longer care to soothe anyone’s ego, feelings or reservations, whilst people trample on mine. I will do and continue to do what I believe is right, ethical and respectful; it does not mean that I can stand you any at all, more likely, it means you are not worth me losing anything over; although, most times I would rather cut out my tongue than speak to those, whom I refer to as Oppressors; and gorge out my eyes than look at them. Some people, your total relations with them entails just conversations, as circmstances dictate;and no more, as you can better without the level of toxicity, tension and anxiety, that is characteristic of them. Do you need all that in your system. Why carry someone’s baggage for them? Heck, I have my own vault of issues, yet I always endeavour to have a disposition of containing myself; living on the lighter side. You will find that I am most vehement towards culprits; after I discover that I have been used, where there is clear evidence of hypocrisy in abundance and false accusations are conveniently and consistently laid against me, without so much as a right to explain my take of events or my explanations. Although, why bother to request a fair trial? To the Oppressors, all explanations are only excuses, because the person should have thought how you expected them to; you not having done so, classifies you as unintelligent, inconpetent, undeserving of understanding and simply beneath them to grant it. All in a day’s work?

And yet, how can I be incensed by that which I am guilty of doing? I too, am guilty of having unleashed the pent up passive aggression, on the innocent & unsuspecting ones in my circle. Bystanders (as they are in no way, director indirect, contributors to the conflict/ problem, at hand). I too have been guilty of reacting defensively to the innocent, there is no two ways about it. You would have thought I knew better than to do the above, as I know how they must feel. Still, I have apologise to the innocents I wrong, something that is beneath my Oppressors. 

What good is it for me to say the many ways someone has wronged me, without even for a second considering (and feeling remorse even, for) how I would have wronged someone?

But what I don’t do (which my Oppressors do), is try to change someone’s opinion on a person or thing to suit mine, as it would mean I do not and am not willing to accept someone as they are; yet I am resolute that I will change for no one, as all should accept me as I am. That is being hypocritical. 

I am also not judgemental and always eager to squarely place blame on one person. If there was conflicting communication, I don’t say the person does not hear or understand properly,  as both parties have a responsibility in communicating.  If that is not the case, then when it happens to me, I should not make a big deal about it. But what the hell, I AM THE OPPRESSOR.

But like I always say: I will never criticise someone for doing something that I myself am still guilty of doing. If I did it in the past, then I have grounds to give that person advice rather than criticise and ostracise them.

Not even 1/1000th of this story has been told.

But to those who haave waged war against me: I am a good friend and I can be an equally formidable adversary. 

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Author: cilaene21

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ― Toni Morrison

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