I often wonder how it is that men ask for a woman that is not heavily dependent on them and yet when they are presented with one, such attitude changes.
A woman does not become independent by being soft and always lead by emotions, if so, she would not have had the oomph to make the tough daily decisions that are a part of her reality.
However, there is a deeper independence of self, that would make you peruse the following definition with new eyes. Independent – “not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood)” – Merriam Webster.
The independence I allude to, far exceeds having to not rely on anyone (except, God for life and maybe your employer that pays your salary) for anything else on this earth. Who knows, this may be bred of you having to learn from very early to always look to you (and in your heart through prayer – God) for your solutions. Overtime, of course you will be perceived to be more self-sufficient (to a fault) and bordering on, conceited to those that do not know how you got there.
I am strongly of the opinion that humans on a whole now-a-days are pretend-living. They will say and not mean, hence, no action follows.
I have done the math: it will take your whole life to fully know a person, as people change and evolve everyday. And if you are really that interested in knowing someone, you just find yourself getting closer to people because they interest you each time and you want to know as much as you possibly can about them.
Yes, yes, I know, we say it all the time. But we all should evaluate how much we really mean it, each time we say it. I would not be surprised when we find that we say it a great deal and mean it a great deal, LESS. So when you tell me, “you would love to get to know me and what makes me smile, cry, tick etc.” by golly, please and kindly, DO NOT expect to accomplish this monumental task in a year or two!!!
I implore you to take my word for it: remember, I first have to know and appreciate ME, acknowledge MY complexities and everything else that makes ME different from the world; and if I am barely scratching surface…….
Boy/girl, you ain’t reach nowhere!!!
Respect the fact that we both need time to open up to each other, as I am certain there are things that you would not tell me right away, or even in a year’s (or ten years’) time. The same goes for me and if you don’t readily agree, right there, you have just proven yourself selfish to think that you are more special than I, ergo, I should unmask my secrets at irrationally fast paces (which you fully expect) whilst, I do not even have the surety if you will ever open up to me.
All this conundrum makes accepting independence in a woman more complicating than beyond complicated. If you are not interested in knowing how she became how she is then really you do not want to truly know her and thereby, in any meaningful way. And many nowadays, men greatly included, do not understand what it truly means to invest this time, for a lifetime (call me hopeless romantic). It is selfish of you to ask any woman, (especially a self-reliant one!!!) to just fall into your routine so that you do less work. You are emotionally and psychologically lazy (thank you Mr. Amari Soul, Christmas isn’t here yet and I still want the book!!). You should not expect her to “lay down arms” in record time, open up to you and even worse, depend on you !!!!
What is even worse, that usually happens, is that out of love and selflessness, this woman cedes to your many platitudes that she be less independent of spirit and finally bends her will and convince herself that you will come through for her and she then looks to you solely for something/ anything and not only do you DISAPPEAR, but you are NOWHERE to be found in the first instance!!!
If I add to this, where in the past that same man would have said romantic things (like, “I will be with you always”, “I will be with you through thick and thin”.) one may say my head is in the clouds and people have different demands and it is all about timing, blah, blah, blah. I concede. All that is fine and dandy; all I am saying do not make promises you cannot keep. If you make a promise and you discover that you cannot keep it (and you are honest enough to admit so to yourself), beg out of it!!!
I am only qualified to speak for me, but I take promises seriously, as my promises to you can be taken just as seriously. I have kept promises of a years’ span and I end up remind the person that “I made you this promise before.”
I too, have, in the past, looked to people for comfort, reassurance, happiness, fulfillment and any other virtue or solution I may need, things I was assured prior that they can provide when needed. The bottom line is this: I was still left wanting. This teaches me that I should look to myself (and again, GOD) for anything and everything that I am in my power to provide. Note, I did not say I do not depend on people, at all, it is just that I am my first problem-solver that I turn to.
I look at situations, till this day, where people have endeared onto me, that they will be there for me no matter what and at the end of the day/night, I have only my pillow (can’t reach my shoulders) to cry into and my second pillow to embrace me when I need to be embraced, when I was assured their arms would be there as support and opened to comfort me.
I have had to even be my own source of joy and amusement when I needed a cheerful reprieve from the daily stresses. It may stay like this for a while, at this rate.
If men chastise me now, still in my neophyte stages, that I am too independent and already I have a bearing on their ego; I think then I must acknowledge the writing on the wall (and credit my psychic abilities) and just accept that I will be alone for a longer time than I projected. Simply because, I am nowhere near where I really want to be and so I have to accept now and preempt what will meet me when I get there.
Ironic in all this is the fact that I had projected a male companion by my side through it all. Like Seriously. I do.
People we should stop this lying, of making promises and saying things only because we think this is what the other party wants to hear. We are reducing the quality of life and the whole point of coming together, either in union or community.
For me, I am loyal to a fault, as I will forever hope for change and growth in all with whom I have ever encountered. If 5 years have passed and we have not seen each other for that time, when I next I see you, it would be remiss of me to be reticent to accept that those 5 years may have changed you and as a result, not being open-minded and acceptable of that change. You hear people say things like, “people will change” or “we will make mistakes”; and yet when it really happens, from their lips, a different tune is being sung. We are only showing how selfish and hypocritical we are.
And yet, I still would not judge even the hypocrites, as they too can change. We have to reach a place, where, if we want something for ourselves we have to accept that others want it too and that it is not just for some.
Men, do not tell a woman when you just meet that you like her independence (of lifestyle and spirit) and when things go awry, you have the gall to say this same, initially revered spirit, has a bearing on your ego.
This is often the result, a very telling one, might I add. Men should take note, that when you feel this way, you were either too lazy to really know this woman (as, if you did you would want to be a compliment to her independence) and/or you didn’t make her feel comfortable enough to open up to you and to invite to the “HER” beneath.
Please. Every woman needs a companion (unless the good Lord has other plans for her life, and even then, until HE tells her, she will continue to search). The independent woman,especially, needs a companion by her side. It just requires more effort. So, if you are complaining, men, it means you are not willing to make the investment and simply, that you are lazy.
This goes both ways, but this post specifically, is about men having difficulty with independent women.
I think I have vented enough on this topic.