When the Abuse Stops

Feeling powerless- not capable of changing the circumstances or make them go away. You were, however, initially robbed of any chance of finding a way.
You have now been conditioned to not grasp any opportunity of power, simply because you don’t know how to handle it; and yet you yearn for it the most. Sure, you won’t have power over everything in your life (you have been a victim, so that is clear), however, just once, you want to feel in control. Of your circumstances and your reaction.
Suppression – you can’t talk. At first you believe it is your fault and then by the time you summon enough courage, the emotional tide has passed. Or it has happened many more times, each time more debilitating than before.
Your self has been demoted, convinced by you even, that it does not matter what happens to you or if anyone cares or not.
Emotions is a touchy topic for you, and eventhough they are all you know, you do not express them. Simply put, if it’s important enough you keep it to your self. At least that, you have control over.

Memories – your mind transcends. You have successfully separated your self from this heinous violation. You store it deep in the recesses of your mind. The fact that you have now been conditioned to decide that you should never talk about it, sends the memory even further.
Years, without your consent, snippets of memory fleet across the consciousness. Awakening with it, afresh, the fear, loss of power, worthlessness and condemnation with it. You feel damned all over again. Your emotions have now been eroded. Whatever, barricade you had erected to help you function daily have been breached and totally obliterated by just a suppressed memory of that which you never talked about.

Trust – the act of violation is compounded by the complete disregard for your trust in the perpetrator. They don’t care that your trust in them not to hurt you is so powerful, to be stripped of this, is to die a painful death each time they violate you.
The ones that you expected to protect you have hurt you. Again and again.
So you have no more trust and you expect no sympathy or consideration. Your predator did not consider you.
Functioning in society – you have become so good at pretending to function that you fool yourself into thinking that you are. And yet you are anxious. Anxious to be alone with your self to face these horrific memories, all on your own.
You trust no one, talk to no one and believe that only one person, YOU, really care about what happens to you.
Others may care along the way, but your relentless preoccupation with protecting self, prevents you from connecting on any real level with anyone else.
You don’t expect anyone to stick around to know you, everyone seems to delight in pleasuring themselves at your discomfort and peril.
So, you start to make it easy for them to do so. You give them what they want so they don’t have to deem it necessary to employ force.
An illusion of control.
You are sure if that happens even once more, you would have been totally annihilated.
You wander around and each day is a new day with your memories. An anxious ball you become, imploding at the mere hint of danger.

cilaene

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Author: cilaene21

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ― Toni Morrison

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